It takes emotions, doubts and practically everything horrible about reality to make someone a hypocrite. It's not something that one could just deny or ignore. No matter how strong you are, you'll end up thinking back everything you once did, gave up on and avoided.
Maybe the reason why I've been writing so much, updating on this website more than I'd intended, is because I'm lonely. Usually, back home (funny that I'm using this term), I would have a great time in school after the whole 7 hours crazy bitching sessions with the greatest classmates anyone could have, Chee Lum, Nishaa, Shu Yao and Denyse. Then, my life will be filled with outings with the babes or Haslem. But that was enough. I found the best deal of people and lucky for me, I had them for 5 years, 5 great years of living my youth.
For my education or for the sake of moving on, I left the happy place because instead of appreciating them, I've decided to whine. I was unhappy that I'm stuck in the tiny island and I was afraid that it would be just it. So I moved to a city, enrolled in a college I thought would help with the company of this laptop and horrible internet access.
For two months, I laughed everyday. I smiled at the people I meet. But in the end, whenever I have a moment to myself, no matter where I am, I am reminded that I am alone. I don't have friends here like Cai Ling, the best friend who is my sister despite all the (stupid) things she've done or a person who will listen to all my rants like how Shu Yao did for 3 years. I don't have the boys to bring me out for sisha or a trustworthy friend like Bianca to hold my hair when I puke. I don't have any more vain pictures of Ai Lin in my camera anymore.
They call this homesick. But still, they move on.
It makes me so doubtful. Why the fuck am I here? When will I meet a bunch of people who I could spend everyday with without getting bored? How the fuck am I going to fit in a college where people aren't even allowed to smoke.
The fuck, this is my lemonade.
Being 17, I've lived a PG-13 drama life. I betrayed and was betrayed by the blood-related I once called my best friend. I technically don't have the best family relationships. I've gone through shit in my life. And at a point of my life, I lived in depression. Not being able to sleep, when I do, it's because I cried to myself as a lullaby. I've been in and out of love.
Love, what the fuck would I know?
"I love you but I'm not in love with you." -Blair Waldorf in the scene that broke my heart.
College should be easier when there's a potential fling. But when everyone here is so sweet and such good friends, it doesn't help at all.
#end of fed, currently playing- Birdy, Lykke Li& Laura Marling.
